WHERE ARE THE ANIMAL FRIENDS WITH THEIR WIVES
by VTStarCosmic
Summary: In which Kirby and company discover the deepest secrets of their universe and all that good stuff...orrrr they just sit around and argue about shoving opinions down other people's throats because it's been a while since you've had a parody from Cos, hmmm?


**DISCLAIMER: I love literally the entire Kirby cast and believe they all need attention, but for the sake of comedy, I will be parodying most of them, so take this with a grain of salt.**

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"Okay OKAY okay okay!"

Dedede slammed his hammer down so hard on the floor that the tremors actually caused a few of the attendees, mainly the Waddle Dees and the two puffballs, to bounce in the air. Kine, whose fish tank was positioned in the corner, shrieked underwater as the contents of his tank sloshed violently.

"I GET IT! I GET THE POINT! You guys want to appear in more fics, right?" The king pointed a finger at the table to his right, and the other attendees followed his gaze. "I understand that. I understand that completely. But what is there to WORK with for you guys? I mean, even for side characters, I need a LIIIIIIIIIIITTLE bit more to work with on your personalities, if we aren't borrowing from the anime here. And even in the anime, you guys were all kinda chill. It's mainly the fanbase that's created your 'canon' personalities."

Rick and Kine crossed their paws, and…flippers. "I have a _girlfriend,_ " they stated simultaneously. "That is plot."

"I have an awesome theme," Coo piped up.

"I want to BE Kirby's girlfriend," Chuchu giggled, flopping up and down on the side of Kine's tank.

Nago and Pitch stared blankly at the others.

"Great, great. That's nice. But as you see, Kirby and Ribbon went kissy-kissy, and there are plenty of characters with awesome themes, so I don't think that's enough to justify a billion fics about you," Dedede stated, the expression on his face hiding none of his feelings on how done he was with this situation.

Chuchu, however, was not thrilled with this news. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! KIRBY HOW COULD YOU HOW COULD YOU HOW **_COULD YOUUUUUUUUUU?!"_**

It only took a disturbed look from the king—and almost all the other characters present—for a small crew of Waddle Dees to drag the screaming octopus out the door.

"Listen man, it's not us; I'm pretty happy chilling around taking cat naps all day," Nago said, sounding half-asleep. "I just found this random, pissed-off fan who has been screaming to people about how we need to be in all their fics."

"WELL IT'S TRUE!" a strange-looking creature in a cage behind the cat shrieked. "YOU GUYS CLEARLY NEED THE ATTENTION! WHO CARES ABOUT ALL THE OTHER MINOR CHARACTERS IN THE SERIES?! ONLY **_YOU GUYS_** MATTER AND I'LL **_DESTROY_** ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE!"

Outside of the ranting creature, the room was full of silences and stares.

"What about ME?" Adeleine piped up, having already completed three very detailed sketches in the fifteen minutes she'd been there, which included but were not limited to a Dedede with a fancy beard, mustache, and beret. "I mean I'm fine chilling in the woods doing commission work, but I actually have plot potential. I'm the only human in this universe, mind; why are there no fics about THAT, hmmm? No offense, but I've got some pretty unique qualities to work with!"

Daroach sprawled on the table next to her, with several empty bottles of wine shining in front of him. "Better off than me, shweetie…I was the main antagonist of an important game, and the tour guide who gave tips for the next, but looks how many fics I have. Enough to count on a single paw."

"That's probably how many I have as a main character, to be honest," Adeleine muttered, starting her fourth sketch. It may or may not have been a sketch of her stabbing a rabid fan.

"What about us?" A Waddle Doo piped up, a hoard of helpers behind him. "Don't we matter too? Why don't we have any fics then?"

"I JUST SAID, ONLY THE ANIMAL FRIENDS AND GOOEY MATTER; DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?!"

"Yes, we heard you," Bandana Dee muttered, rolling his eyes for once. "You've made that very clear to our poor ears."

"Can I be in a fic then?" Gooey piped up, catching the entire room's attention. Whether they were surprised about him or the fact that he was juggling some bowling pins with his tongue was another story.

"Dude your popularity is picking up with all the Dark Matter fans; _won't be long before you're more popular than me, again,_ " Dedede muttered. "So yes, you will probably be in some fics."

"Yayyyyyyyy!" Gooey cheered, bouncing up and down as he continued to juggle the bowling pins. "See, the guy can shut up now!"

"I WILL NOT SHUT UP UNTIL EVERYONE HAS PUT YOU GUYS AS THE MAIN CHARACTERS IN THEIR STORIES, DON'T YOU WORRY!"

Knuckle Joe raised his hand. "Can I be in a fanfic despite the fact that I have nothing to do with the plot, just because fans want me to?"

"If we're talking fans, yes. If we're talking _rabid_ fans, no. I mean look at all the stuff that has arisen from—"

"Shut up, Meta Knight; at least you GET attention, even if it IS embarrassing," Dedede glowered, clenching his fists so tightly that the boards on the table started to splinter. The sapphire puffball chose to go back to reading his book, until—

"Then why am I so popular, hmmmmm?~" Galacta Knight asked, leaning over on Meta Knight's shoulder. The sapphire puffball merely blinked before pointing a finger at Kirby.

"Two reasons—one, because you have 'knight' in your name and fought me. Two, because you look like him. There. Done. I know the fandom."

Galacta Knight stared at Kirby for a bit. Then he kept staring. Then Meta Knight shoved him off his shoulder and caused him to crash to the ground unceremoniously, where he remained staring into nothingness.

"And thus, I am best puffball," Meta Knight proclaimed snobbishly before slamming the book closed. Unfortunately, the book of his choice had come from one of the oldest, most top-secret section of Dedede's library, and the puff started coughing from the ensuing cloud of dust.

"Okay but why does HE have to be the main character?!" the caged fan shrieked, pointing at Kirby. "It's not like he's the established hero of the series or anything or has infinite power or anything; he just happens to fight all this evil stuff for every single game in the series! Who says he's special at all?!"

Just as Meta Knight had recovered, he and the majority of the room started choking again.

"The _cringe_ ; please stop it," Sailor Dee burying his face in his paws. "Does anybody REALIZE that MOST of us have less than ten fics about us all? Rabid complaining about it won't change anything; if you don't like something why don't YOU just write a fic with the characters you want to see instead of bullying other people to do it!"

"NO!" the creature yelled, glaring at the Dee. "I don't WANNA do that! Other people should completely agree with my headcanons and write fics with only the character I like!"

As the room burst into disarray, Kirby blinked sadly before shrugging. "Y'know…is it so hard to just let people write the things they want, with the styles and HCs they want, and you just do what YOU want? It's…really immature to hate on people's stuff and call it bad or OOC just because it's not the way YOU want it to be. Everyone has different worlds and characterizations and everything, and that makes it all the more interesting…right? So…can't we all just be nice when reviewing other people's fics, or just not say anything at all? You're making the people who like the stuff you're complaining about look bad, and that just generates more hate…Please listen. Thanks…"

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 **PSA from Cos:** So there are always jerks and always HAVE been jerks, but recently I have seen one or two immature people in this archive doing pretty much exactly what I described in this fic to some stories. I know they're always around, but I figured it was worth a reminder that no matter how much pressure these people apply, you're writing these fics because you love them, in your free time. Don't let people bug you about your hobby that you're doing for free. Being 'excited over these characters' or 'liking them a lot' is no excuse to be rude to someone.

I didn't intend to write this fic seriously, as I didn't want to come off as making fun of characters or saying people shouldn't like/write characters certain ways. But then I got talking on Discord about said immature people, and I couldn't help but indulge myself. I did start as a parody writer; I just couldn't resist.


End file.
